No longer able to touch my toes, I treated myself to a pedicure in time for The Arrival. "So, when's the baby due?" asked the beautician. "Today!" I replied with cruel delight as I lowered my not insubstantial frame into the seat. Her carefully made-up face dropped with fear as she clearly thought I could have given birth then and there. Two weeks later the varnish was chipped but I still had no prospect of being reunited with my feet.
So here are my top 5 bits of rubbish advice that doesn't work when overdue:
1. Eating hot curries. We went out for SEVEN curries, plus two home made, in the space of 12 days. It was like being a student again. Whilst a good way to enjoy those last child-free moments, you can have too much of a good thing. Same applies to
2. Eating fresh pineapple. Breakfast, elevanses, mid afternoon and after all of the curries. Unless you stick it up somewhere you shouldn't (not recommended), pineapple makes your lips tingle but nothing else. Which brings me to
3. Sex. Oh yes, with a regularity that would put a porn star into retirement. Theories about the release of labour-inducing prostglandins give this credibility, and as a form of exercise is certainly preferable to
4. Running uphill. OK, galumphing uphill. Hilarious but humiliating. Trust me, just don't.
5. Consuming cod liver oil. Now its getting silly so I stopped here.
So you may be wondering what worked for me? Two membrane sweeps, a trip to the hospital who were too busy for my induction, leaving the husband to field the irritating phonecalls (yes Mum we will tell you when you become a Grandmother) - I'm sure that all helped.
At 41 weeks, 6 days and 18 hours I made the little chap his own birthday cake. Whilst arranging the smarties on top the contractions started, and hey presto 7 hours later he arrived. Simple as that.